The ‘I saw him first’ Code

The Code ; You are out in a bar with your friend, your friend turns and says ‘Ooh he’s nice’ you look and find he is indeed nice, you turn to friend and smile, ‘he is’ you agree and that’s as far as you go with it. Your friend saw him first so he’s now officially hers. End of story.

Similar Code with Men. Includes all  ex-boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands.  They are the Chernobyl of the dating world. Enter at your own risk, avoid at all costs.

On a night out with friends recently, we met some really cool people and had a great night, we all connected on facebook and some weeks later I got a facebook message from one of them asking me if i’d like to go for a drink. (don’t exclaim in shock, this does happen sometimes!) Now, I’m single, he was a great guy and we’d got on etc so it should have been a straightforward, (but cool, always cool) ‘Yeah sure, when?’ but instead, inwardly I groaned. The Code.

Without sounding like a 12 year old I tried, (badly I will admit), to say, erm well my friend liked you, so i’m sorry I can’t it would break The Code.

Messages bounced backwards and forwards;

“What? Are you actually 12? I don’t like your friend I like you, it’s not my problem if she likes me, Surely she’d just want you to be happy?”

“No, no I am not 12, I am actually..hey don’t ask me my age!! What a cheek!! ..Well she likes you, yes, yes, she probably does but I can’t break the code…..again..”

and there it was.. ‘ I can’t break the Code again

It was the again part that had me breaking out in a cold sweat and running a mile from him.  Now I would not consider myself a Code Breaker, I think I’m a good friend, in fact I know I am. There are girls out there who don’t even know about the Code and think attention from any guy is ok as long as it’s aimed at them. Girls that would double cross a friend as long as it meant they were one less day in the single queue. But not me. I was not that girl. Until of course I was.

Maybe once it’s fair to break The Code if you really think someone is worth it. But maybe The Code is there for a reason, it’s unwritten law to stop bad things happening. My experience with breaking it has no happy ending, though I know some do. For me personally the guy turned out to be a bit of a Douchebag, he’ll be hard to beat. (though hey, I have a penchant for douchebags -stay tuned!)

At the time I chose him over my friend, I didn’t know this, I was optimistic, I thought he was great, something special, so I chose him. Not in a playground chanting way where you’re working how who is ‘it’,  It happened slowly, our casual chatting to each other progressed to a drink and then suddenly I was being introduced to people as his girlfriend and I had to tell her.

I became wracked with guilt. What had I done? I knew The Code well enough to know i’d broken some boundaries and while I hadn’t exactly stole him from under her nose, (apart from a simple drink one night they hadn’t dated and they hadn’t even spoken in months). Still I couldn’t shake the feeling I had most definitely broken The Code. Or had I?  When I told her we were dating, she did say she hadn’t ever been into him and was ‘really happy for me’ but she also immediately stopped return my calls,  emails, texts, inviting me places and well basically, stopped being my friend. Doh! None of this boded well for our continuing friendship and it sadly ended. And when I  eventually broke up with the guy, this friend would have been one of the girls I would have turned to to take up resident place beside me on wild nights out. But she wasn’t there and I missed her. Luckily I’m a chatty and kind sort and have other friends 🙂

Now there are people who think I am mad, surely my friend should have been happy for us? Two friends of hers who had found each other and were sailing along happily? I am sure I would have been happy for her, but The Code runs deep within some people and the boundaries are blurred. I know two people who after 10 years of friendship fell out after a guy they met in a bar one night was interested in one and not the other. And for the record I can’t even comment on breaking the Ex’s Code, I think my brain would implode!

So you really have to think clearly before you go ahead and break the code, take everything into consideration. I would say in my situation, they’d never dated and hadn’t actually spoken for some months so it was a grey area, (‘onest guvnah!’) Weigh up how good a friend you have to lose and how good a guy to gain. Of course you don’t know the guy and how that will turn out, but you have to consider is he worth losing a friend over? And if the guy is amazing (a rare breed girls but I am happy to report that they are out there!) and you really believe he’s The One, is she worth losing a guy over?

Published by iamkarlie

I am editor of blogging on beauty, fashion, lifestyle, events and travel

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