My oldest friend said to me recently that if she met me now she didn’t think we would be friends. Though shocked at her honesty, I had to agree, aside from our history with each other, besides knowing each others deepest darkest secrets, our lives today are very different from the two first year girls that met and realised they both wanted to be actresses. (She was and you know my side). A few, ahem, years later, with different hopes, dreams and aspirations we are still in contact a fact we have always been slightly smug about and I love the fact she has known me for so long.
As much as I love the future, I love the past and the things I have experienced, and I always thought the two could mix. So delving back into my past this weekend with an ex boyfriend really surprised me.
In the weeks leading up to him arriving, it was all very exciting and I was wrapped up in my own little world of how great it would be to meet up and say hey. I will admit to the little romantic part of me thinking ‘what if…. ‘ Turns out it was just basically weird.
He looked and talked exactly the same and that affected me by catapulting me back to the time when we dated, the person I was and the way we treated each other. We always used to have so much fun but we also had a pretty crap relationship. He broke my heart a little and while I swallowed my pride that he did, I still spent years thinking he was amazing and wonderful just as any girl does about ‘the ones who got away’. Until they come back. He brought with him the memories of the bad times, the times he let me down and the times I had sat desperately sad because of him. They were more prominent than the good times and within hours of meeting up I knew I had made a massive mistake.
The good times for us consisted of great conversations and laughs and I knew we still had that, but for me it was different. I could not force myself to laugh and joke with him. Instead of wanting to spend a little time getting to know him I just wanted to run away and never see or hear form him again. Which is what I did. I went and spent time with my on/off boyfriend and we watched some football, had a picnic by a lake and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine that Edinburgh and Glasgow had this weekend and the one who got away quickly faded into the past.
My friend said to me a few weeks before he came, ‘Curiousity killed the cat you know’, and she was right. It was an experience that I learned from. I realised that I am happy with my life as it is. Instead of looking back and thinking ‘what if..’ I also realise now there are no ‘What if’s’ in life. There are just ‘Were not’s’ and for good reason.