As I write this you are not yet gone, and we have been packing up boxes of your life in Edinburgh so far, you’re attending leaving nights and I’m wondering when cleaning your oven became part of the ‘helping you move’ deal. This is a strange time for us, I’m regarding you with bewildered looks, and you’re… well actually i’m not too sure what you’re thinking, though I guess you’re caught up in the excitement of the adventures ahead of you.
Bloody hell Hun. Bloody hell.
At the start of the year I gave you an empty photo album and told you to fill it with amazing adventures, I said I would like to be in some and I also said that you should dream big. Boy – have you delivered!
At times I wonder if we’re doing this right, i’ve never done anything like this before – I’ve left countries, and jobs, and ‘stuff’, but i’ve never left my man friends, so it’s cool and exciting but strange at the same time. This year, we’ve discovered so many new things together, and when you get older, (nod to you :p ) and you’re not on your first everever relationship, or even your second, it’s hard to still be able to do that.
The biggest thing we’ve discovered, I think, is that we are very similar people, but then that’s why we became friends in the very beginning. We both think that life works out just as it should and there are no wrong turns, everything happens for a reason. Change is good.
And now, life is changing for us, in very real ways.
Sometimes good things come to an end, as they say. ( Why are ‘they’ so bloody wise??) But, no matter how hard I try, I cannot be too sad for me or you, and I’m certainly not being overly gracious when I say that I am happy for you….
…and don’t get me wrong, every time I think of you not being around everyday, of you not cooking for me, or giving me a stern look and sighing when I tell you my latest ‘plan’, or not taking me out for dinner, or away for a weekend, or not moaning because i’m wearing your t-shirts, or of not seeing your smiley face at the airport where I’m waiting with a flat white pretending to be your PA, or stumbling out of bed bleary eyed to take you to the airport, or your alarmed but encouraging face at my ‘fusion’ cooking, of not tracing my fingers along your naked spine, or playing with the back of your hair while you drive even though my arm is about to fall off, or making you breakfast in the shape of a smiley face, or putting toothpaste on your toothbrush, just because, or thinking of something to make you laugh, or the hundreds of other personal things i’m not going to share here, I stop, full to the brim of these wonderful memories and am just really glad I have them.
Because I didn’t have them, before. Without a doubt, the last few months have been quite a turning point for me. I have come to a point where I feel most settled, and I am one of the most unsettled people I know, so that is saying something!
So while I am not exactly pushing you on the plane, I am glad of the space, and the time and the memories.
We meet people everyday and ultimately, I believe, no-one comes into your life without a reason. There’s a lesson to be learned in everything and everyone. Looking back, I think we have done pretty well learning from each other. If you meet people who allow you to grow into your own skin, and make you feel comfortable just being yourself, behind closed doors, in all your un-made-upped, lounge panted glory, that, in my eyes, is a gift. You don’t have to be everything to everyone, as being something to someone is enough.
We have an ongoing discussion that, in life, you should attain contentedness or happiness. We can never agree, which it should be. I say it’s contentedness, you say it’s happiness, you say potato, I say potato, you say tomato, I punch you in the arm….. Well, in the next few months I hope you find happiness AND contentedness – it’s controversial, I know, but I think we can agree to disagree on this one 😉
This year, you have not only made my bucket list smaller – New York, Ireland, Spoons – it’s all relative. You have also taught me so much about myself, some things I maybe didn’t want to know, but I learned nonetheless, sometimes with a huge laugh, sometimes with a pursed lip and a carefully posed finger, (or two). Likewise, i’m sure I have taught you things, remembering to close drawers properly for one, how important it is to remember a name, to keep a close eye on your clothes and if someone tells you they will buy you food because they will probably burn what they cook you, believe them.
Among the many things you have taught me about myself are these, that: people should be alarmed if I decide to cook ‘fusion food’, I forget to buy cat food, and coffee, and milk…. and bread…. and eggs…. and ‘things to eat’ generally, that I drive somewhat badly, once my trust in someone is broken, it’s very hard to repair, my jokes are sometimes only funny to me, in my head, when I am drunk. That I like hitting the snooze button when you are next to me, that running off ‘on a tangent’ no matter how exciting, will not benefit my very huge goals, that my Manchester accent is not too shabby (“I’m worried where I’m going…”), that I have an astounding imagination and a huge capacity for love, that I should settle on not only one hair colour, but writing only one book, and that, when the time is right, with the right person, what we’ve had, is pretty close to how I would expect things to be.
I like, very much, the girl I am, around You……
But, ultimately, it is your belief in me, and what I do, that has been the most amazing thing of all, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for it. While I have no doubt I will achieve everything I set out to do, it’s nice to see an encouraging face, hear a motivating word and feel like anything is possible!
And so, with all this in my mind, heart and an excited hop, skip and a jump in my step, the You part of my life is over and we say ‘Bye’.
I wish you the most fun on your travels, I hope you return safely with fabulous stories of places far and wide, and in 146 sleeps, (or so, i’m NOT counting :p), our eyes will meet across a crowded room and i’ll just know you’re okay, Oh no, wait, that’s the ending from Batman!! …Okay, I mean, over a coffee, and you can show me that photo album.