How To Survive A Mini-Break – The Toilet.

Recently I’ve been lucky enough to have enjoyed a few mini-breaks with the fella. It’s been crazy fun and I am beginning to feel like a seasoned traveler, even purchasing mini-bottles of toiletries and having my own clear plastic bag to keep them in. I am well versed in removing my shoes before I get to security, able to keep my photo ID to hand and organised enough to sniff out the nearest Starbucks when landed. As always in the life of me, I have learned a few new things. Things that you wouldn’t think of as you lie there nestled in each others arms smiling and being fooled into thinking – You know what? I COULD spend a few days with you, just us two.  Hell yeah, let’s do it! Let’s stroll a different city’s streets, have coffee, enjoy intimate dinners PLUS have the added bonus of two whole days of each other’s bodies on tap. YES, you think smugly, we are ready for this!! You metamorphosize from a Four-Hob-Dating-Single-Girl and become a Smug-Mini-Breaker, casually dropping into conversations, ‘Oh yah, he’s fab, in fact we’re off this weekend, just the two of us’, despite the woman in Tesco’s having no clue who you are.

C’mon we’ve all been there, all excitedly googling mini break destinations, forgetting that we will be spending two whole days in each others company. Two, three, four, or for the crazier of us – FIVE whole days in the same hotel room, together! While the Relationshiply-Challenged among us might say, ‘Ooh that sounds like bliss!’, the Not-So-Smug-Anymore-Mini-Breakers will say ‘Well that”s what you think, cause I couldn’t go to the toilet for three DAYS, had to get up at 5am to do my make-up before he woke up and am sure after only 3 days he’s wondering why I keep getting things in my eyes, forgetting things in the room and drinking more espresso than is healthy!!’

While it all starts off fabulous with a shared laptop screen between you and him, exclamations of ‘Ooh that looks nice!’ and cheeky retorts of ‘that’s what she said’ before the laptop is discarded and you find yourselves having a ‘cheekier-lie-down’.  Resuming booking all smug and satisfied, the logistics of a Mini-Break fool no-one when you arrive in your hotel room and realise the bathroom is two feet away from the bed, both of you are going to have to use it, one of you is a MAN and it’s not you!

Toilet habits are new territory and while you may be ready to see Paris in Spring together, are you ready for him after a vindaloo?  Or WORSE! Is HE ready for YOU? Or worse STILL- Are YOU ready for YOU? It’s only girls who worry about this kind of thing. Guys approach the loo very differently to girls. It was reported to me that guys sometimes talk to each other if they’re in cubicles next to each other, something girls would never do. In fact, I’m sure it’s law that if a girl suspects another girl is colon-ly challenged in a public loo, they don’t mention it at all and cover for her, saying out loud it’s their new mascara making their eyes water. For girls and girls it’s different, for guys and guys it’s different and for girls and guys? It’s best to wait until you’ve said ‘I do’ before saying ‘I thought you KNEW I had IBS?’ and drawing attention to the ‘in sickness and in health’ clause you insisted on putting in your vows.

But in the mean time, try out these techniques.

* After room is locked and you are heading out for the day, say you forgot something and you’ll meet him in the lobby. To make sure he doesn’t follow, say you think you overhead someone say the football was on downstairs. Leave window open in hotel room so you are not hit with offending smell when you return several hours later and all your giggling, flirting and whispering ‘just you wait til I get you in here’  behavior is swiftly replaced with coughing, spluttering and declarations of ‘WHO died in here??’.

*If this fails, when in Hotel lobby, say you have something in your eye and run to use the public loos. Silently thank girl blaming mascara for watery eyes on way out.

*If this fails, declare you need an extra caffiene hit and burst into the nearest coffee shop ordering a double shot expresso. Down it, start blinking furiously and say you think thing has returned to eye and it’s best he doesn’t check this time and that you are going to ‘check it out’

*If this fails, maybe sit down and have a frank discussion with him where you impart special insider knowledge on ALL girls saying that infact we are NOT perfect. Despite how lovely and angelic we look, we ALL produce similar smells to some of his rugby mates. There is no need to call friends to ‘back you up’ on this or tell him about this one time your friend Katie..okay nope, best not to share it on here either, she will kill me if she finds out HE knows let alone you lot!!  Also best not to try and act too ‘laddish’ about it and suggest you get loos next to each other so you can chat OR walk in after him and say ‘Woah!! WHO died in here??’ (Turns out guys CAN get just as embarrassed)

That’s me out of tips, if you have any that can help your fellow, brave Mini-Breakers, then please list them below, every little helps!!

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1 Comment

  1. Don’t let your new woman talk you into eating her delicious home-made sauerkraut, even if it is her Bohemian Gran’s priceless recipe. It can lead to disaster.

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