Why do People cheat?

I am so tempted to just write ‘because they do’ and then end this post but I think it deserves a few more words than that. Meh we all know we’ll get over it and cheating is the silliest thing to do, so why do people do it?

Cheating on someone is a strange thing, I’ve always thought I was someone who could never do it and up until now, I haven’t. I just don’t have the ‘shady’ bone in my body. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to. I went out with a notorious cheater recently and thought ok then lets just be casual and I’ll go out and date others but when it comes down to it I’m just not programmed that way and I can’t lead someone on. I’m a one guy woman. But not everyone is programmed that way, some can do it no problem.  Some can do it so well, no-one would ever guess they even were doing it, until they get caught.  And then comes the shock, the lies, the hurt and worst of all, the realisation that there were actually signs there all along. The things that you questioned in your mind at the time come flooding back and you pick through every image and sound byte in your head and basically drive yourself a little bit crazy trying to figure it out. Why did they do that to me? How could they do that to me? When you truly care for someone, to digest the fact that they ran out and cheated on you is a a tough thing to swallow, but swallow it you must, and you must move on. Whether moving on is giving them another chance, or moving on to someone who can look after your precious heart.  Having an understanding of why people cheat can help, here’s my top 5….

Because they have fallen out of love with you and cannot tell you.

Most guys, and girls, use  a new partner to catapult them out of a relationship. Too scared to say the words they really want to they hope the flame will just fizzle out and die instead of manning up and snuffing it out.  They start a relationship elsewhere and either they will get caught out or the partner will get tired of their antics and end the relationship for them. That way no blame lies with them either, clever and cowardly.

Because they can.

Some people have plenty opportunity to cheat, especially celebs, take a look at Tiger Woods and more locally Ryan Giggs, these people had wealth and status and this will always attract attention.  Until girls stop throwing themselves at guys, these guys will always have the opportunity or until these guys stop believing the hype and craving the attention.

Because they are not satifisfied.

This is an awful thing to digest that actually the wonder that is you may not be enough for them.  Some guys have checklists in their heads that are too much for one girl to accomplish and they need to seek this elsewhere. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but until they meet The One, this guy is not for you.

Because they want their cake and eat it.

This is the guy who will always cheat I think, the worse kind, the one who wants the security of his relationship but also the thrill of meeting someone new, or not letting someone old go. This is about being self centered and not being in a place to put anyone first.

Because they have commitment and intimacy issues.

Keeping secrets are at the root of trust, you must wholly trust someone to tell them your thoughts and feelings. Some guys cannot do this and instead of making a deep connection with their partner they keep the distance emotionally and bridge that gap further by making sure their partner is not the only one in their world or their bed. This is a hard character trait to break, good luck.

So…

The realisation that you have been cheated on is awful, your world can crash in a second, your head spin, your heart race and tears flow. It is an awful heart-wrenching time, you feel like you are living in the All saints song ‘never ever‘ and you may never ever get answers.

If you are able, in a place where you can react calmly, a talk to the person with a list of all the questions you have can help to make you whole again as understanding something helps you to recover, but beware that they may not tell you the truth, after all they kept this secret from you.

The guy in my life told me a whole bunch of stuff, – first time I believed him but second time (yes second time, I know, I know, I know, I know I should have known better) the lines ‘it was a massive mistake, she never mattered to him, she kept hounding him and it was hard because they worked together and it made things tricky at work’ just didn’t compute in my head, now I thought he was a great guy and while I wanted SO much to believe him, my intuition told me otherwise. It made me so  sad for the other person involved too as I wondered if he’d told them the same things about me.

So cheating is not new, if you are lucky this will be the only time you will experience it. Hopefully this will be your lesson learnt and you will not continue to attract the same type of guy. This is a time for learning and thanking your lucky stars for your lucky escape, people like that, do not belong in your world.

Now, importantly,you need to take care of yourself at this time. After all, you did nothing wrong. Surround yourself with your friends and as many good times as you can. Have a few days of sitting under the duvet with Ben and Jerry but always, ALWAYS, get back out there.  What happened will have taught you a lesson, whether this is simply to trust your intuition.

Be very careful about stepping back into a toxic relationship, you may have lost someone you considered to be a great friend but trust me there are greater ones out here waiting for you, and despite enjoying playing with your medical kit when you were younger, you cannot fix everyone.

We are all on different journeys of discovery in life, make this one of yours, much love and big hugs xx

This is just a gratuitous piece of Beyonce girl power (and Brian Clough power) 😀

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. Can’t disagree with any of that but a friend of mine who has recently been cheated on told me about an article she last week. It says that men who cheat, and who are serial cheaters do so because everytime they do it, it raises their self-esteem, their worth and they can reinvent themselves and feel good about themselves. When that wears off, they then need to move on to the next one to feel good about themselves all over again. It’s not about you not being good enough, or not satisfying them, or lots of temptation in their way. It’s all about them and how they feel about themselves.
    That’s not to say everyone with low self-esteem or worth does this, but it works for some.
    I guess there are many reasons why people do it. And ultimately, it always causes hurt.

  2. Thank you guys, its true Jay not just men, and i’m sorry i’m not digging men out here, just making this post more woman central, its more of my girlfriends than my guy friends that seem to have this as a common issue, and Sharon that is so insightful, it comes back to the thrill of the chase and I can wholly identify what you say to the guy in question in my life, so many times he said he wished we could start again, reinforcing what the article says, wouldn’t a big broom be great and a massive carpet to sweep it all under but sadly or rather more optimistically, there is a reason people get swept out of your lives, you just need to hang in there and believe that the good times are a coming, one of my friend recently literally had to pick herself up from her bathroom floor and stop crying to come on a night out, understanding that ultimately you did nothing wrong is the first step to being whole again xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s