We Need To Talk About…. Fake Tan.

Fake Tan and Me and have had a pretty fantastic relationship over the years. Just like a best friend, we’ve shared alot of things. We have got dressed up in teeny dresses and wooed boyfriends together, shared nights out, consumed countless bottles of Rose, had hangovers where we’ve felt like death but looked awesome, we’ve interviewed for great jobs, bought houses together and laughed a lot. It hasn’t all been amazing and like all good relationships we have shared some tears. Tears we’d like to forget about but they left little white track lines down our face for a week afterwards. Ahh! But it’s been a ball so far and long will it continue!!

While I fail to sustain a relationship longer than Katie Price, I am deeply committed to Fake Tan. I love the stuff! I love the look, the feel and sometimes, Yes! Godamn it, EVEN the smell! I don’t care who knows this. It occurred to me that some of you may not use the volume I do and so I thought it helpful I made a little list of do’s and don’t’s.

I feel, as I have stood in more strange drying positions and smelled horrendous more times than I can remember, that I am qualified to advise on Fake Tan.  Consider this blog a baton of sorts, which I am passing on to you like the Olympic Torch, long may it keep alight!

Here is my list of  Fake Tanning Tips!

#1 No-one will ever believe you have just come back from holiday no matter how hard you insist, so don’t pretend you have been away. Just don’t.

#2 IF you fake a holiday by staying in all week and posting fake updates on your Facebook, remember to turn off the location setting.

#3 Spend a considerable amount of time, and money, choosing your ideal shade. Shades range from deep orange to pale orange, approach with caution. Get to know your fake tan, make mistakes, it’s a rite of passage to be streaky in the beginning. But only in the beginning, if you are still making these mistakes 5 years in, there is no hope for you, move town or stop wearing it as you are giving the rest of us a bad name.

#4 As a general rule of thumb the more south of the country you live the more orange you can be with the exception of the North of England, particularly Newcastle.

#5 Secret weekends away to Newcastle are encouraged to fully indulge your tan. If you turn off your location settings you do not break any sort of code.

#6 Learn Pilates so while your tan is drying you can be strengthening your core stability. Helps with the bodycon dresses too so – Bonus!

#7 When applying tan, always wear gloves. Plastic ones usually are best, though marigolds can be used in desperation. Do not let anyone witness this, you will NEVER live it down and seeing 63 comments on your friend’s Facebook status when she posts about it is hurtful.

So many to try, so little time!

#8 A buffing mitt is a good investment.

#9 Your Cat does not make a good replacement buffing mitt and if tried it may leave home for a few days.

#10  Fake Tan is harder to get off Cat fur than you think it might, and being scratched by a Cat that thinks you are trying to drown it in a bath hurts more than you think it might. A lot more.

#11 Waxing should be carried out at least 24 hours before tanning, never after. Especially if you do not want everyone to know you wax your top lip and forearms.

#12 Stay away from water for at least 4 hours.

#13 Though this does not apply to any tan lotion you get on your palms. No amount of  water or scrubbing will remove tanning lotion from these areas. To avoid distress, apply a thin layer of Vaseline to palms.

#14 Biggest tip to removing gloves with Vaseline on hands is to dress before going to ask neighbour to cut them off.

#15  Thoroughly check new areas before you move into them for good looking, single neighbours.

#16  Posting a survey through doors to find out this information is going too far, according to the Police.

#17  Perfecting an air kiss is a good way to save you time and money. Friends may invoice you for getting tanning lotion on their new Karen Millen. Esoecially if that was THE dress they were going to snare their new fella in.

#18 Snogging their new fella is not a great way to get back at them, especially in full view of them. Malibu and pineapple smells worse than some fake tans and is hard to get out of hair extensions.

#19  It is okay to refuse to hug people because you ‘just put fake tan on’ and scream if someone spills a Barcardi and Coke near you. (Hitting them is, again, ‘going too far’ according to the police.)

#20 Last tip is to enjoy your fake tan, love it for what it is, and what it makes you. (Which clearly is better than everyone else because you have a tan!)

Mwah x

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1 Comment

  1. I feel as though I have missed out on an important relationship because I have never used it…oh dear, never mind. You can’t have everything! Love the article

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