I’ve sometimes turned up here via a few texts, involving words I just can’t BELIEVE he would say. Words that were SO hurtful, so mean, so distressing that there was no other option than to check in begrudgingly, hoping a weekend bag will see me through. Not sure whether to sit or stand, reply or ignore, I quickly dust myself down. What shall I do to get over this and move on? Right, I think, I’ll show him. I won’t think about him ANYMORE, I won’t internet stalk him ANYMORE and I certainly won’t practice writing his surname ANYMORE. Instead i’ll play this really loudly and…
Eat some ice-cream – There is never a better time to eat ice-cream than on a mini-break-up. It’s a great excuse to stuff yourself silly with Phish Food and Pralines and Cream. These calories do not count, it’s unwritten law. However they may start to count if you stay beyond week two, so be careful!
Watch Chick flicks – Get them lined up and watch them one after the other in a curtain drawn fug of ice-cream, wine, cigarettes and popcorn. Bridget Jones’s Diary, Sex And The City 1 & 2, He’s Just Not That Into You, 500 days of Summer (ok, not strictly a chickflick but still counts) and throw in some comedy, anything with Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler works for me, Make sure to turn the volume down if he phones you ‘for a chat’ or you’ll end up laughing during the call and he’ll get all touchy and serious again and say that you never listen.
Phone Friends – this is perfect to list ALL his faults, one by one, in long drawn out detail. When you embark on this chat, you may be amazed at how many you find and may have to remind yourself why on earth you are that into him. Friends remember all the things you don’t (sometimes too much) and they will always back you up on that time you argued over which was the best way to drive from London. It wasn’t your fault the roadworks added 3 hours to your trip and he missed the football.
Go out and get trollied – Yes, always a good move. Go with friends, dance until the small hours, tell everyone you’re over him, throw up in the toilets, eat kebabs on the way home because it doesn’t matter if you have hips/spots/chilli sauce breath now and wake up with no recollection of snogging the guy from your work who you bumped into.
Refuse to reply to his texts - ignore them, delete them, chuck your phone in the bin or at the very least turn it off. Under no circumstances reply. Unless he sends something funny, then by all means forgive him and arrange to meet in the next few hours. Throw yourself into his arms and admit that maybe….maybe….just MAYBE he was right after all and you should have added more wine to the sauce.
Happy Mini-Breaking-Up xx